//"good morning, sweetpea"

where was i when the rockets came to life

and carried you away

into the alligator sky

even though i'll never know what's up ahead

i'm never letting go

i'm never letting go

-owl city | alligator sky

{this post really has nothing to do with africa.

but it's an important part of who i am.}

august 9, 2010.

i'm tidying up my bedroom.

mike's best friend, wife, and new daughter

are coming in from michigan to stay with

us for a few days.

mom's still at the hospital waiting

for discharge papers.

she's on the phone, texting and waiting.

dad's getting ready to pick her up.

mike's dropping off winny at the groomers.

pj's out with his girlfriend.

kay's out with her boyfriend.

mike calls, urgency in his voice:

"baby, we gotta go to the hospital, dad are i

are on the way and we gotta go.  mommy had another

heart attack."

my knees hit the floor.

i can't breathe.

God, don't do this.

not her.

not now.

please.

it's been four days since i've seen her face.

just a few hours since i've spoken to her.

i call kaylin and pj.

we're all meeting here.

randy's gonna meet us at the hospital

i can't stand waiting for mike to get here.

i call the hospital,

"i need to know what's going on, please

have someone call me"

"they are working on her now, i'll have the doctor

call you as soon as he can"

working on her?

what does that mean?

i call mike and fill him in.

pj and his girlfriend get to the house.

the phone rings...it's the doctor.

he tells me a bunch of things i already know.

then he says the words,

"she passed..."

i fall on my living room floor.

pj catches me.

mike and dad are on their way and they don't know yet.

mike runs into the house.

"baby, we gotta go, we gotta go now"

he sees my face and stops.

"baby she died"

he goes out to get dad who doesn't know

i can't believe i have to tell my dad that she's dead.

he sees my face and starts screaming.

"no, no, no..."

"daddy, mommy died."

i said it just like that.

my dad is on the floor screaming.

no one knows what to do.

kaylin and randy don't know yet.

i call kay, she's already around the corner

from the hospital.

i tell her and she beings to cry.

she'll meet us there.

mike, dad, pj and me get in the car.

i call randy and tell him.

silence.

he'll meet us there as well.

mike sends out quick prayer request text messages.

i start texting those closest to me too.

dad's driving. his cigarette shaking in his fingers.

i'm in pj's arms in the backseat.

i don't think i understand what's happened yet.

we see kay and dan in the parking lot.

hugs and tears and trying to

figuring out what happened to mommy.

i run in to get visitor passes so we don't have to

wait at a desk.

visitor passes? for who? my dead mother?

a nurse sees us and recognizes our anguish and grief

and ushers us into a small room.

i notice that mommy's door is closed shut with some

orange sticker on the knob.

the doctor comes in.

there's a minister there but i don't like her.

she didn't know my mom.

she doesn't know us.

i don't like the doctor either.

the doctor tells us that mommy

had a second heart attack.

dad wants to know why she didn't

have a monitor on and why the nurses

weren't watching her.

there's a knock on the door.

our pastor is here.

thank God.

the doctor askes if we want to see her.

we're all unsure.

he warns that she still has some tubes in her

because they need them for any autopsy.

i want to see her.

dad isn't sure.

pj doesn't.

randy wants to see her.

kaylin doesn't.

mike's coming.

so is pastor.

i don't think there's anything

to prepare yourself for seeing

a dead loved one.

i think there's this romantic notion

of them seeming just asleep or at peace.

mommy's yellow.

and her mouth is open.

and her eyes are squinted.

she looks in pain but i don't say it aloud.

she looks thin.

the only thing that looks the same is her hair.

her glorious, blonde, poker straight hair.

it feels the same.

it smells the same.

and i begin to cry.

i think about lazarus in the bible and

i beg God to bring her back to us.

later, i find that mike was thinking the same thing.

pastor and the ministerlady are talking

and i still don't like her.

(i don't know why)

i leave the room and see kaylin and pj.

i tell them she's not so bad.

randy is down the hall.

i run into his arms and cry even harder.

he whispers in my ear something about being the strong

one and being like mom but i can't remember now.

i wish i could.

on the ride home, i use mom's cell to start

calling people.

there are so many.

i have to call her best friend, my Godmother, aunt chrissy.

her wailing still haunts me.

not as much as dad's screaming..but still.

i tell my uncle, her brother.

his reaction is something i cannot post on this blog.

i can't remember the last time

i ever talked to so many people in one day.

what happened..over and over again.

i find out that someone in our church was on the phone

with her when the second heart attack happened.

they were just chatting when my mom said suddenly,

"i'm not feeling well"

then a crash... 

then silence.

i think about that moment a lot.

sometimes i wonder if an angel walked in and just told my

mom that it was time to go Home and that was it.

i hope so.

i'm really not sure why i'm writing all of this.

maybe i just need to get it out.

minute by minute.

it took me weeks to fully understand how painful

those first few hours after losing mom were.

i didn't have a chance to deal with anything.

but God is good and He carried me through.

i remember the following evening, after

mike, dad and i make arrangements

having a panic attack in my parents living room

burying my face in the place

where she always sat.

crying and screaming and trying to find air

it was the first time dad reassured me

and it meant everything to me.

i remember sitting at her computer and 

looking into the other room...

it was like she could come down the stairs

at any moment to go on facebook

and wish everyone "goodnight, sweetpeas"

i remember looking through thousands of photographs

and reliving so many moments with her...showing people as they

stopped by to drop off food or check in on dad.

i remember sitting down in this very spot

to write the words i would say at her funeral.

it was the hardest and easiest thing

all at the same time

to speak of my mom and the woman she was

and to give glory to my King.

a year later, i wanted to do something special for her.

i don't think i or anyone else in my family

is ready to spread her ashes, but i wanted to do something.

{my locket with mom's ashes sealed inside}

i spent a lot of time praying and thinking about a tattoo to honor her but point to Jesus.

lately, i've been reflecting on Heaven so much and coming across my favorite c.s. lewis quote, i came to realize something.

when i think about my mom, she feels far away.

i can't explain it...but she feels like a dream.

so good, so wonderful, but i just can't grasp it.

kind of the way i thought about Heaven...

amazing, perfect, but intangible...

in my reflections i realized that 

Heaven isn't the dream.

this life is the dream.

Heaven is the reality.  

this life is a moment, 

a piece of dust 

that does not stand the 

test of eternity.

God created each of us for one reason, 

one purpose…to glorify Him.  

My mother’s life is filled with experiences 

and things and people.   

There were moments that changed not only her life 

but the lives of others.  

She did good things and bad things.  

We can look at all the things that defined who she was and all the things that defined our love for her. 

I need you all to understand what I understand, now. 

In that moment when my mother closed her eyes 

for the last time here earth, 

the only thing that mattered was whether she was one of His?

I believe with all my heart that my heart that in that next moment, she opened her eyes to see the face of God

...and she was Home.

One year ago,

 I thought my world ended, 

but it was her world that began.

“There was a real railway accident,” said Aslan softly. “Your father and mother and all of you are - as you used to call it in the Shadowlands - dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream has ended: this is the morning.”

And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after.  But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all  their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.

I leave you with Romans 8:18,

 For I consider that the sufferings 

of this present time are not worthy 

to be compared with the glory 

that is to be revealed to us.

there will be a day when i close my eyes

and open them to see the face of God.

mommy will be there.

and i know what she'll say:

good morning sweetpea.

{oh my heart.  i love my mother.}