"and we know it's never simple, never easynever a clean break no one here to save meyou're the only thing i know like the back of my handand i can't breathe without youbut i have to" - "breathe" taylor swift
two years.two whole years.
i miss her.i miss her with all my might.
i've never really understood grief before.i mean, yes...i've lost family members over the yearsand i'm most definitely not saying that any ofthose losses are insignificant. because they were.
but she was supposed to come home.that day.
two years later,i still ache.
some days i'm so overwhelmedwith emptiness.other days, i'm buried in anxietybecause i can't talk to her.most days,i just miss her.and, so selfishly, i hate that her being goneis part of my life.i hate that people who haven't seen me in awhilecome up to me and ask how my dad is doing.what about me?i lost someone, too.i know they don't mean to be inconsiderate.but it bothers me.i've been in counseling for several months.the sudden death of a loved oneis violent.i'm still amazed at the depth of painand loss i feel to this day.
she's in everything.
i see her in the beach decor at home goods.i see her when i find myself biting my nails.i see her in the perfume counter at macy's because who can't smell thierry mugler's angel fragrance from a mile away?i see her in every bowl of lucky charms..especiallywhen its 2am and i can't sleep.i see her in the way i fidget when i'm unsure of myself.i see her in my sister's face.
sometimes if i close my eyes and concentrate real hard,i remember what her laugh sounded like.i can remember what it felt like when she held meand just exactly how she smelled...even without the perfume.i can see the shapes of her weird toes and the imperfections of her small lips.i can remember the way her hair fell on her back and the exact color of blonde she fought so hard to keep.i can remember the way she picked her nails while driving the carand how she ever rarely knew the right words to a song.i can remember what it looked like while she chatted on the phoneand mopped the floor at the same time.i can remember the sound of her coming downstairs in her pajamasafter dinner to watch general hospital on DVR.and on and on and on...
i guess at the end of it all, the second year is really no different than the first.the pain really doesn't leave.and the days don't ever get any easier.but it's okay.and yeah,sometimes i cry in home goods while holding a seashell lamp.but i'm okay.
it's so easy to wallow in all of this and forget how temporary it all is.my mom has been with Jesus for two years nowand i imagine it has felt, to her, like 2 seconds and 2 zillion years all at the same time.in Revelation 13:8, the Bible says that Jesus was slainbefore even the foundation of the world.before adam + eve.before sin even entered the world.it wasn't like eve ate the appleand God went "oops, what just happened?!"He knew it would happen.salvation was already accomplished.i don't quite understand how that all worksand truthfully, i really don't need to.but it just comforts me that time is something that,in the scope of everything eternal,won't mean much once i, too, go Home.i cling to the hope + comfort in that reality.
so, with that...another year later,i, again, leave you with a quote from Narnia.in voyage of the dawn treader, aslan is leavingafter a brief meeting with lucy but promisesher that they will meet again soon.
"Please, Aslan," said Lucy, "what do you call soon?""I call all times soon" said Aslan.
two years ago, my mother slipped the bonds of earthto touch the face of Jesus.it broke my heart but i delight inknowing that these last two years - thoughpainful for me - have been joyful for her.just the beginning of eternity for her.her precious life on earthmay be over.but her life in Heaven - which is evermore real than i can imagine -has only just begun.all the memories i have of her,every moment she livedand every step she took,and every breath she breathed on earthwas just what i was able to see onthe cover of the Book.and today, she begins chapter two of the Great Story,as c.s. lewis describes in "the last battle",which no one on earth has read; which goes onforever; in which every chapter is better than the last."
so when will i see my mother again?soon.
i'
two years.two whole years.
i miss her.i miss her with all my might.
i've never really understood grief before.i mean, yes...i've lost family members over the yearsand i'm most definitely not saying that any ofthose losses are insignificant. because they were.
but she was supposed to come home.that day.
two years later,i still ache.
some days i'm so overwhelmedwith emptiness.other days, i'm buried in anxietybecause i can't talk to her.most days,i just miss her.and, so selfishly, i hate that her being goneis part of my life.i hate that people who haven't seen me in awhilecome up to me and ask how my dad is doing.what about me?i lost someone, too.i know they don't mean to be inconsiderate.but it bothers me.i've been in counseling for several months.the sudden death of a loved oneis violent.i'm still amazed at the depth of painand loss i feel to this day.
she's in everything.
i see her in the beach decor at home goods.i see her when i find myself biting my nails.i see her in the perfume counter at macy's because who can't smell thierry mugler's angel fragrance from a mile away?i see her in every bowl of lucky charms..especiallywhen its 2am and i can't sleep.i see her in the way i fidget when i'm unsure of myself.i see her in my sister's face.
sometimes if i close my eyes and concentrate real hard,i remember what her laugh sounded like.i can remember what it felt like when she held meand just exactly how she smelled...even without the perfume.i can see the shapes of her weird toes and the imperfections of her small lips.i can remember the way her hair fell on her back and the exact color of blonde she fought so hard to keep.i can remember the way she picked her nails while driving the carand how she ever rarely knew the right words to a song.i can remember what it looked like while she chatted on the phoneand mopped the floor at the same time.i can remember the sound of her coming downstairs in her pajamasafter dinner to watch general hospital on DVR.and on and on and on...
i guess at the end of it all, the second year is really no different than the first.the pain really doesn't leave.and the days don't ever get any easier.but it's okay.and yeah,sometimes i cry in home goods while holding a seashell lamp.but i'm okay.
it's so easy to wallow in all of this and forget how temporary it all is.my mom has been with Jesus for two years nowand i imagine it has felt, to her, like 2 seconds and 2 zillion years all at the same time.in Revelation 13:8, the Bible says that Jesus was slainbefore even the foundation of the world.before adam + eve.before sin even entered the world.it wasn't like eve ate the appleand God went "oops, what just happened?!"He knew it would happen.salvation was already accomplished.i don't quite understand how that all worksand truthfully, i really don't need to.but it just comforts me that time is something that,in the scope of everything eternal,won't mean much once i, too, go Home.i cling to the hope + comfort in that reality.
so, with that...another year later,i, again, leave you with a quote from Narnia.in voyage of the dawn treader, aslan is leavingafter a brief meeting with lucy but promisesher that they will meet again soon.
"Please, Aslan," said Lucy, "what do you call soon?""I call all times soon" said Aslan.
two years ago, my mother slipped the bonds of earthto touch the face of Jesus.it broke my heart but i delight inknowing that these last two years - thoughpainful for me - have been joyful for her.just the beginning of eternity for her.her precious life on earthmay be over.but her life in Heaven - which is evermore real than i can imagine -has only just begun.all the memories i have of her,every moment she livedand every step she took,and every breath she breathed on earthwas just what i was able to see onthe cover of the Book.and today, she begins chapter two of the Great Story,as c.s. lewis describes in "the last battle",which no one on earth has read; which goes onforever; in which every chapter is better than the last."
so when will i see my mother again?soon.
"and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." - Revelation 21:4
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